I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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