your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
