idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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