Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
