peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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