so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
