If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
