Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
