Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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