did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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