I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
