I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
