I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
