Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
