Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
