This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
