I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
