So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
