On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
