i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
