She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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