Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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