new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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