I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
