I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
