my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She's the barista slut.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
