Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
