The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Someone came in the potted fern
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
