I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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