she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
