My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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