I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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