But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
