why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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