So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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