I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
