nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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