i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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