From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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