My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
