Betty ford says i'm here all night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
