I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
