I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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