Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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