My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
