I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
