She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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