What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
