I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
