My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
