Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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